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Handelisms

The Old Testament 1994-2011

 
The Old Testament  1994-2011

Date and Time unknown -- "Marjorie started thinning as soon as the kids fell out."

4/26 7:28 --"West Side MusicStory"

Yeah, you know what he meant

"Today is the last day of the Tuesday"
Whaa?

"I finally replaced my last catheter ray tube TV with a flat screen"
Really Handel?

"You can't live without it, and you can't live without it"
Well...that's 'almost' right Handel

"Quadruple-palegic"
A combination of paraplegic and quadriplegic

"For God's Steak"
For God so loved his steak, he chose a porterhouse

"Did you know giraffe saliva is antiseptic?"

No, Handel, we were not aware

"Bill Hire here."
HANDEL is your last name

"Oback Barama"
Seriously?

"Butter nutters"
Handel's favorite candy, Nutter Butters

"Mike, turn her Todd on"
Hmmmm.....

"Stamari Stord"
Samarai sword

"Green Cay Hackers"
Green Bay Packers

"No Shotes"
Show notes

"The ball is on their shoes"
I think he means the ball is in their court

"Ruth Gater Binsberg"
Ruth Bader Ginsburg

"Miley Virus"
Miley Cyrus

"Michael George"
George Michael

"Bang Gangers"
Gang bangers

"Yodjers"
Doyers...or Dodgers

"Hunky dunky"
Hunky dory

"Leaf over a new turn"
Turn over a new leaf

"Jen & Berries"
Ben & Jerry's

"Ten pile car up"
Ten car pile up

"Peach Impediments"
Speech impediments

"Nunio Fabez"
Fabian Nunez

"Karmid Harzai"
Hamid Karzi

"Sending your male sample through the hair"
I'm sure Regenix loved this commercial....

"I got an adult book joke"
He got an adult JOKE book

"Karen Black...Karen Bass..she's black right?"
Yes, Bill, she is black...but her name is Bass!

"Jesus Christ Superstore"
Did Jesus buy Costco?

"Breakfast at Bernie's"
Was Audrey Hepburn in Weekend at Bernie's?

"the cret is thredable"
the threat is credible

"he's just waiting for the next foot to drop"
the next SHOE to drop

"his heart was still breathing"
we assume he means BEATING

"Oback Barama"
Barack Obama

"Barack Obaca"
Barack Obama

"Scooby Litter"
Scooter Libby

"we'll be covering it carpet to carpet"
We think he meant 'wall to wall'

"As Band-Aided by federal law"
federally mandated....and he's the lawyer!

"back asswards"
ass backwards

"shawed off sotguns"
sawed off shotguns 

"Skeevy Loobak" 
Scooter Libby 

"Mrs Fish's Paul sticks"
Mrs. Paul's fish sticks 

"Go to my CP.com" 
Go to MY PC.com 

“Ivanka Trunk"
Ivana Trump 

"Heather Dead"
Heath Ledger 

"cossup golum"
gossip column

"The bag is now out of the cat"
the cat is now out of the bag 

"John Dean scream" 
Howard Dean scream 

"gag ball"
ball gag 

"I have an elephant like a memory" 
I have a memory like an elephant 

"I wasn't there when I heard that" 
we're not sure 

"gaspic by pan" 
gastric bypass 

"done there, been that" 
been there, done that 

"Roby Red Race"
Ruby Red Vase 

"The world of life"
The game of life

"You pay for what you get for"
You get what you pay for 

"General Butt Nugget"
General Butt Naked 

"JEW-LA-RU-SALEM" 
Jerusalem 

"No ass, No Tail"
Don't ask don't tell 

They got life without the possibility of Peru...
They got life without the possibility of parole. 

Iranium
URANIUM

Breath cancer 
BREAST cancer

Grizzly Dogs
Grizzly BEARS 

Al Green
Al Gore

I've litten matches my entire life.
Lit 

Its 5:24 and we have a couple more minutes until 5:25
A couple? On what clock?

driving copulation
??? 

As fast as you can click your “mouth.” 
Mouse 

Gender pacific
Gender specific 

Let me correct myself. Jury's jurdict. 
Jury's verdict.

guy commits suicide-life “wasn't worth dying” 
wasn't worth living

Andromeda Stain
Andromeda Strain

Ann Frank, the girl who wrote "The Diary of Ann Frank"
Well, who else would have written it?

Drop socks
Drop outs

Hisganic bangs
Hispanic gangs

Half-baked ass ideas
half-baked or half-assed

Glad to hear you see.
see you here

Baby Boob women
Baby Boom women

I will be hoe.
I will be hosting...

shooting champaigne
shooting rampage

They all are working 46 hours a day.
(Isn’t that impossible?)

I was a teenager in my 20's.
that's quite an accomplishment

Let me put myself in my shoes.
your shoes 

JFK, Jr. and wife Jacqueline
Caroline 

botters of wattle
bottles of water

Thank you. Welcome for coming aboard
Welcome. Thank you for coming aboard.

monk-fried wokfish
wok-fried monkfish

They have an annual symposium every year.
that's usually what annual means

We're slaughtering Slerbs in Yugoslavia.
Serbs

Let's check in with Dr. Rush.
You decide: Dr. Laura or Rush Limbaugh.

Three strikes, you're law!
Three strikes, you're out! 

KFI's the stock market that does news,traffic & weather
KFI's the talk station that does...

Battle-snick dytes
Rattlesnake bites

Up to his ear-balls
up to his eye-balls

un-Kennedy
un-Canny

Andrew Lloyd Wright
Andrew Lloyd Webber

She nicked your scissors
she nicked your ear

obstrushus
obstruction of justice

Corpus Crispy
Corpus Christi

Ulterior medicine 
Alternative

Bill Hample.
Handel.

Kids are fat potato couches. 
Poor things!

It's 8:56. We're not.
Hmm. Time Warp?

Give me a gazample.
example

We know exactly what we know then now,what we know then
We know now exactly what we knew then.

The alarm got off.
went off

Lured the girl into the breast room
Restroom (obscure Hooters reference?)

Parental superstition
parental supervision

KFI is the news station that does news, traffic and weather.
talk station

It doesn't matter what the reporter is or who they come from.
who the reporter is or where they...

I saw lightning hit those Joshua Trees - you know, Yucca plants. 
Which is it, Bill?

B-47 
B-52

KFI does news, weather and traffic EVERY minute, every morning.
every FEW minutes

Linda Strip
Linda Tripp

Sexual reception 
special reception

chashaisement
chastisement

Bank rabbery
bank robbery

exorbidient galor
exorbitant valor

Let's go to Bill Handel... no wait,
I'm Bill Handel. :)

Bill Clinton's liver
lover 

Community surfers
community service

Long lover
long lost lover

It's the end of the week; it's Wednesday.
(By our calculations, it's the middle of the week.)

amputite
amputate

A bang of thieves
a gang of thieves

Meditereastern
Mediterranean

I learned something more than I didn't know at all.
(Your guess is as good as ours!)

The union I belong to: NAFTA
AFTRA 

One word: inherently evil
count again, Bill

Bridge under troubled waters
bridge OVER troubled waters

Beverly Hillberries
Hillbillies

On the blitz
on the fritz

Five five teen
5:15am

female screw driver
female school bus driver

Israel turned 50 degrees
50 years old

Drizneyland
Disneyland

Martin Luther Junior King
Martin Luther King Jr.

George Stevens
George Michael

James Earl Red is dead.
James Earl Ray

Metal Detestors
Metal Detectors

Whole Fools Market
Whole Foods Market

villainized
vilified

Short Statue Foundation
Stature

The Nim and Teal Show
KFI's Tim & Neil Show

Admissions for Latinos and Blanks
...blacks

Turn around or we're gonna blow you
...blow you away

We'll come back and say goodbye
If this was true, it would be a pretty short show.

Mary Kaye Letourneau is going to father a child.
We sure hope not...

Shore Soldier
Sore Shoulder

Bruce Clinton
Bill Clinton

Faulty snacks
salty snacks

Abominable cramping
abdominal cramping

Visit our log site.
website 

It was the barstool's fart.
fault

It took me for a loop!
It took me by surprise + It threw me for a loop

It's beyond ba-blief
It's beyond belief

520 HFi in LA Orange County
640 KFI in LA and Orange County

...sorcerers say Clinton
...sources say Clinton

Limestone Leisure Suits
Lime Green Leisure Suits

Sexual Whore-Playing
Sexual Horse Play

Bill Clintsky
Bill Clinton + Monica Lewinsky = ?

...wearing only a Jew-string.
...wearing only a G-string

You don't eat movies
than going out to movies

The way you eat potato chips.
Americans spend more money on potato chips

Clinton uplate
Clintonupdate

A disc jockey died while riding his horse
He means a regular jockey

Nobel Priest Prize
Nobel Peace Prize

Stace Spation
Space Station

Lastly but not leastly
Last, but not least

Correct me if I'm not wrong
Correct me if I'm wrong

outlangish
outlandish 

Beaf Lowers
Leaf Blowers

Two rights don't make one wrong
Two wrongs don't make a right

Nemoralizable
Memorable

I wouldn't touch that with a ten inch pole...
ten FOOT pole

Today, nobody really makes fat of me...
fun of me because I'm fat.

I'm Bill Hamblin.
I'm Bill Handel.

celebated
celebrated

Self-dereciating
self-deprecating

how she was died
how she died

I'm the Erma Bomb-wreck of radio.
Erma Bombeck

Chinese is the color of mourning.
White is the color of mourning in China

I couldn't have said it better my said....
…said it better myself

insisted his son get medical qelp...
…get medical help

Mind-boggingly
mind-boggling

Sexually oriental poses
sexually oriented... 

No crime was broken.
No law was broken.

7 week year old kid
7 year old kid

The Eiffel Tired
Eiffel Tower

It's 6:55to six
It's five to six.

Marv Albert is in various serious trouble
...very serious trouble.

Trust the people you're trusting with.
...you're working with.

Don't know dork.
(Obviously...)

How many people really ride massive transit?
mass transit

taploids
tampons and tabloid...combined

40 olderly people
elderly 

Let's go to Mike Kenneth, uh, whatever his name is.
Michael Clarke? Ken Gallacher?

sat and fault
fat and salt

Gundale Galleria
Glendale Galleria

If you've just tuned aboard...
"tuned-in" or "come aboard"

Mini skirt over those varicose lanes of yours
varicose veins

KFI AM 640, More Stimulating Talk Magazine
Talk Radio... RADIO!

I do bitch about how life complicated is.
...how complicated life is.

seven fiftyforty-eight
7:48? 7:50?

When you go to the supermarket and they bag your clothes 
(What did you wear home, Bill?)

peanut butter and butter sandwich
peanut butter and jelly... we hope. 

"He is facing life without the possibility of Peru"
That doesn't sound so bad, does it 

"HMS CRAPITAL"
And they pay him for commercials

"Honkanese"
Bill says this is NOT a ‘Handelism’ that he was searching for an effective way to describe people who live in Hong Kong…much like Paul T. Wall is 'Guamese'...people from Hong Kong are 'Honkanese'

"Corner Sandals"
Colonel Sanders

"Valentine's GAY cards"
A new card category

"Erotic water pressure"
erratic water pressure

"he's the low man in the...in the fruit dish!
We believe he meant totem pole

"How do you go through a name with a life like that"
We'll guess you can figure this one out

"Jumping thru hurdles" Bill!
Uh, you usually jump OVER hurdles

"doctors need biggle needers"
"bigger needles"

"Preident BOSH"
President Bush

"Charles Sumer"
Charles Schumer 

"Salve Fours"
Slab Floors

"You dine when whom you choose with"
You dine with whom you choose

"The people I know have boughten all these windows" 
Really Bill?

"The heroes in the gang community are the PIPS”
"The heroes in the gang community are the PIMPS"

"Opie Winpee"
Oprah Winfrey

"COCK-O-DILES"
That's CROCK-odiles Bill

"copper KIKES"
"copper pipes"

"The Congressional Building of the Congress"
Hmmmm..... 

"he was 333 years old!....I mean pounds!"
That's pretty old Bill...

"Here are his ideas to budget the balance"
'balance the budget'

"The cret is threadible"
'the threat is credible'

"potally tro"
'totally pro'

"tax fork" 
'task force'

"switch and bait"
'bait and switch'

"bite your teeth and grit yourself"
we have NO idea....

"we are time"
we are out of time'

"we are time out of out"
'we are out of time'

"The word for today OF...O-V....OF"
Bill can't spell either

"when she had her brokedown”
I guess 'she' was a car

"Jackie Kennedy planned JFK's assassination"
He said it, but didn't mean it

"Bill Cosme"
Bill Cosby

"Attempting to fleed"
that would be FLEE Bill

"KFI-AM 640 More Stimulating Talk EDWARDS"
where do you work Bill?

"They go us, we go them"
have NO idea

"Beauty Saloons"
Um....Salons

"Sears and Buck"
C'mon Bill......you KNOW this!

"Good Handel everybody"
Good morning everybody...

"Lords of the Ring"
Many lords, one ring says Bill

"The Anlican religion is the official language of England"
Hmmmmmmm

"The judge will take into remorse how remorseful the defandants are"
And you call this man for legal advice....

"...to hell in a clambasket."
Do you mean "in a handbasket?"

"she's one happy cancer"
"she's one happy camper"

"Squid Pro Quo" 
Quid Pro Quo

"Ass-ganistan"
Afghanistan

"It has to do with the depth of his nuts."
??

"Cops by Suicide"
Suicide by cop

"Erotic winds, low humility."
Erratic winds, low humidity

"Fire department helicopters dropping fire retards.
"Fire department helicopters dropping fire retardant 

"Tijuana-ka"
Tijuana

"IBS, Irritable Ball Syndrome.
"IBS, Irritable Bowel Syndrome 

"15 minutes in the sun."
15 minutes of fame

"He's just waiting for the foot to drop."
"He's just waiting for the shoe to drop."

"KFI AM Seqorsky"
KFI AM 640

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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